Aimea Saul -- Uncharted Motherland

Quantifying satisfaction

part of: Postcards to the World

by Celeste Roth

It’s not binary. Sometimes I’m frustrated, unhappy or hurt. Sometimes I’m tickled or elated. There’s a range of enjoyment. i realize that I do not think that the goal of increasing enjoyment/happiness is right for me now. Sometimes the more frustrating interactions are the sign, the door, the key to growth. Growth trumps happiness. Without growth, constant happiness is not attractive to me. Growth involves things like confustion and frustration. Necessarily. Inextricably. As I think about it, I feel the mix of enjoyment, comfort and frustrations in my life is pretty optimal. I realize that I want to encounter conflicts/difficulties with people and things because pursuing and resolving and understanding them leads to increases in depth of intimacy, understanding and my life satisfaction levels. Interesting since my initial idea would be of course that increasing the enjoyment in my life is desired. I want new and different things – some of which i might not enjoy- because i want the play and experimentation. Again i think it’s a matter of the ‘mistakes’ in the learning process that lead to growth. I think maybe I want a little more confusion and frustration in parts of my life. The parts where i’m feeling the desire to grow. But i don’t want so much of the confusion that i lose the enjoyment of my life. I realize that in some parts of my life i’m not looking for growth or change or play or experimentation. Please leave my cuddling and resting just like it is now. That is my heaven and i have no need to grow there.